Overbearing parents stifle students

Author Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks to parents on Oct. 14 in the CPA about the detrimental  effects of being overbearing with their children. Lythcott-Haims emphasized that parents must be aware of their overbearing behavior and strive to make their children self-sufficient. Photo by Meghan Cruz
Author Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks to parents on Oct. 14 in the CPA about the detrimental effects of being overbearing with their children. Lythcott-Haims emphasized that parents must be aware of their overbearing behavior and strive to make their children self-sufficient. Photo by Meghan Cruz

The sounds of laughter bellowing from the audience filled the CPA during a presentation as author Julie Lythcott-Haims explained an “aha” moment in her life.

While smiling, Lythcott-Haims said one evening at dinner, when her son was 10, she realized she was cutting his meat even though he was old enough to cut his own food.

Lythcott-Haims analyzes the modern, overbearing parenting style in her book, “How to Raise an Adult.” She said she noticed this style of parenting during her time as the freshman dean at Stanford University.

“There was a growing concern as I saw more and more students who were 18 to 22 needing to check in with Mom or Dad pretty frequently,” said Lythcott-Haims. “It made me worry, well, are these guys adults or aren’t they? And when will they be adults if they aren’t now?”

Lythcott-Haims said the over parenting style is a combination of overprotection, over direction and excessive “handholding.”

During the presentation, she answered an audience member’s question about college admissions with an analogy she learned from Sidonia Dalby, an admissions officer at Smith College.

“If there’s a 5-to-10 percent chance of rain, do you take an umbrella?” said Lythcott-Haims. “Do you wear your raincoat? No? Why? Because it’s not [going to] rain. So why, when there’s a 5-to-10 percent chance of admission to a particular school, do we think those odds will eventuate in our kids’ favor? It’s illogical. Irrational.

“Why mortgage our kids’ childhood in exchange for that hoped for but extremely unlikely outcome?”

Dr. Gil Parrott is the father of two Glenbrook North students, including senior Halia Parrott. He said he attended Lythcott-Haims’s presentation because he is interested in learning new parenting techniques, and he admits he can be overbearing at times.

“I rule by tyranny, so that’s probably not the best thing for my kids,” Gil Parrott said while laughing.

At the same time, he said he has a reason for his overprotectiveness.

“I sort of feel that [my kids’] best chance of success at life beyond high school is going to secondary education and getting a degree and figuring out, through that all, what they might end up being able to do in life to be a productive member of society and to take care of themselves,” Gil Parrott said.

Halia Parrott said her parents have raised her to be independent while expecting her to maintain a “B average” throughout high school to prepare for a successful future.

“If [my brother and I] get lower than that, [my dad will take] us out of sports because he thinks school is more important than other things,” said Halia Parrott. “But I agree with that. I don’t think that is overbearing.”

Lythcott-Haims said there is a way for parents to determine if they are over parenting.

“What I say to parents is, you know you’re [being overbearing] if you say ‘we’ when you mean your kid,” Lythcott-Haims said.

Dana Wojtan, mother of one freshman and two GBN graduates, also attended the presentation but does not consider herself an overbearing parent.

“If there was anything that I was doing that was stifling [my kids] from becoming the best people that they could be, I would want to know about it because I want them to be the best [people],” Wojtan said.

Halia Parrott said her mom can be slightly overbearing because her mom did not grow up in a “great” neighborhood.

“She succeeded really well in a place where she couldn’t, and so she expects us to succeed really well in a place where we can,” Halia Parrott said.

At YMCA after-school care, where she works, Halia Parrott said there are children who do not complete their homework because their parents want to help them when they get home. These children cling to the employees such as herself and lack the ability to be self-sufficient.

Lythcott-Haims said parents have the job of raising their children to be independent.

“Hopefully the love and support will always be there, but not the doing for,” she said.

Parents need to let their children “experience the trial and error that is a natural part of life because that’s how they develop a mental toughness — resilience — that will allow them to withstand whatever comes in life when they’re grown,” Lythcott-Haims said.