A PSA from your friendly fellow cockroach

Haley Sandlow, Executive Opinions Editor

Disclaimer: Fictional cockroaches were discussed in this piece in order to convey humor. In no way is this analogy meant to suggest that the school is overrun by cockroaches, nor that they hold formal meetings to discuss how to best terrify students or that they associate with a student liaison.

Welcome back, fellow cockroaches! It’s been a hard few months without any students in the building to terrify. Now that they’re back, we can slowly transition to normal — scurrying over students’ feet in the bathrooms and possibly working up the courage to fall onto one’s head. 

You may have heard students complain about the following things, and us cockroaches share some of these grievances as well. Special thanks to our student liaison, Haley Sandlow, who provided us with these complaints:

Students were upset, like us, about some of Glenbrook South’s winter, low-risk sports starting a week earlier than Glenbrook North’s. For all you locker room roaches at GBN who were disappointed at having one less week to scare sweaty student athletes, I sincerely apologize. Hopefully, the district will stay on the same sports schedule for the remainder of the year. 

Another student grievance is the SA Hall and resource centers not being open for students to hang out or do homework before and during school. This is unfortunate for us cockroaches as well — we’re all mourning the loss of students meandering in the SAC and ERC throughout the day, snacking on chips and spilling crumbs everywhere. We fully support all efforts to open these spaces for students to have somewhere to do homework when they’re not in class, even if snacking is limited. Until then, cockroaches, stick to the library and cafeteria, where plenty of unsuspecting underclassmen eat lunch. 

Finally, students believe GBN has done a nice job reducing crowds at entrances. To reduce crowds further, students would like the cafeteria entrance, Door FF, to be open as well. Here is where we might clash with student wishes, as droves of students clogging the entrances — rather than social distancing more easily — make it easier for us to scurry about the school, undetected. We will keep you posted on any further developments.

That’s it for now, fellow cockroaches! We’ll announce more updates later in the year, such as which bathrooms to avoid if student vaping starts up again. For now, enjoy the students being back and terrify as many as you possibly can!